a jar of fireflies

i'm in a different place than i was a couple of months ago. i'm so happy. i have great friends and life is okay in different aspects. i'm happy i also found someone that complements my eccentricities, my boyfriend is all sorts of awesome (haha for now). i've been far too busy living my life instead of blogging.. which is a good thing i think.

see you in a couple of months. 

i'm being spontaneous, cause, i'm spontaneous.... ?

i'm trying to do spontaneous things this year, who knows where they will take me? i hope somewhere nice. that'd be great. please and thank you. i've tried little leaps here and there with this new thing called spontaneity. so far it's filled me with regrets... but i'll still try just to say i've done it. i'm fearful of the repercussions. but i'll still try. another leap into something interesting. i hope it doesn't come back to haunt me later.

i hope this is not a painful year for me or anyone i care about. 

fake proms for the neurotic

stacey's going to the fake prom tonight. as much as i wanted to go, i'm stuck here at home. i hope she has fun tonight. i promise to myself that i'm going to be more adventurous and spontaneous. when the next fake prom rolls around next summer, i will be there with dress and bells on. 

i just want for once to go into unknown places without a feeling of deep hesitation and possible regret. i want to dive in without thinking to see what happens. but the neurotic in me will think that should i do that..... i would most likely get hurt physically or emotionally. it's this weird defense mechanism i've developed over the years. i should just get over it but i can't seem to do it. 

i'm going to my first summer house party in ages tomorrow with alex and stacey. let's hope for the best. i will see some savory and unsavory characters tomorrow. let's just hope that my neurotic tendencies die down for a little bit.

allan called me the other day and his voice message made me smile. so i guess i'm calling him tonight. :)

forget me nots

this summer has been all about transitions. more and more i see who my true friends are, i'm quite proud of my ability to cut corroding ties before it's too late. i am quite satisfied with my life right now. i say it over and over again and i smile. it's not one of those "oh i'm happy deals, i'll say it over and over again until maybe i start to delude myself". no, i am content. genuinely happy, for the first time in ages. 

however, seeing summer romances bloom within my circle of friends makes me happy and a little bit sad. i told someone that i am not looking for anyone, nor am i interested in anyone.. but seeing some of my friends' lasting relationships makes me long for something similar. i feel like i'm in this eternal race of catch up, catching up with my friends for relationships, academic success and other such matters. i know i shouldn't be racing, number one i'm asthmatic and number two.. well, let's just say i never win. a part of me is indifferent and a part of me is screeching and stomping around in an attempt to motivate myself to hurry the fuck up. this child in me wants to have what others have, or perhaps something even better. it's the eternal child in me that wants instant equality, gratification.. whether or not i deserve it. 

i'm the first to admit that in the wee hours of the morning, a part of me is so self involved (well, more so than usual) and lonely. 

my running shoes are on and everyone has years of head starts ahead of me. the race is happening in front of me, and i decide to sit this one out. there's no hope. or maybe this is just sufjan talking.

maybe some happy news are in order. my friend justin is recognized for his beautiful photos! i love my friend i wish him all the best!

nothing important.

so i got hired by the dean's office in the physical education department. i'm pretty happy. i can be useful, get some work experience and work with one of my best friends. everyone in the office seems really nice so i'm pretty excited about that. 

i'm sleepy and there's nothing really much to write. i'm having a couple of friends over tomorrow and that should be fun. movies, food and lots of homemade cake. i'm a terribly happy girl. the only thing i'm not looking forward to is waking up early but we've all got our crosses to bear. 

i sent christopher a postcard. it expresses my insecurities about my friendship with him. i didn't mention the little issue of my love for him. that's for another time and place, or should not even be mentioned at all. i hope to get an answer from him, an email.. a letter.. anything. i miss him and i've been thinking about him a lot. a whole lot. every day.

a bowl of cherries.. err.. strawberries?

another job interview tomorrow. i hope lady luck is on my side. i'd like to be hired somewhere.. please, MAKE ME USEFUL TO SOCIETY WORLD!

i haven't been so satisfied with life as i am right now. things are finally good and i feel as though the tide has turned and washed away all the crap and ridiculous situations from my life. the only thing lacking, however is the love life. which i'm not really complaining about, i'm still hesitant to take a leap of faith after things that have gone on the past couple of years, particularly my realization of my feelings for chris. 

i am eating strawberries and looking out my window. i am smiling and my toenails are painted black. things are okay. i hope things will stay this way.

barf

i just had a job interview today with AMC theatres. i do this to myself all the time. i convince myself a job is good for me, i am happy with a decision and then i want to back out when i'm close to getting a job or a responsibility. i don't know why it happens. i guess it's my own form of self sabotage or a deep rooted fear of something i don't have a handle on. 

i want a job. i want to make money. am i sure that AMC is the right place for me? no. but it could be, but i'll never know unlesss i try it. right? right. to be honest, i'm just scared. and i don't like the fact that things in my life will now be scheduled should i get the job. there's this secret hope that i won't get in just so i can have my schedule-less life. i don't know. maybe i'm not as grown up as i think i am.

i'm so scared and just so unsure of myself right now. 

i think a nice guy from my middle school asked me out a couple of days ago. he's a very nice guy, and he's cute and respectful and smart.. again i don't like him. i don't know what it is that's holding me back to just jump into something with someone that may be good for me. 

morning comes.

a sleepy caramel dog curls up at my feet and yawns.

the sun rises, its rays splattering on bushes and tree branches.

dewy grass

there is a faint scent of lilac in the air as i stretch 

knotted hair.

freshly brewed coffee.

orange juice and toothpaste.

good morning.

trois libras

i threw you the obvious 

and you flew with it on your back

you don't

you don't 

see me

you don't

see me at all.

make it hurt

i had another dream about you. in my dream you completely turned me down in a most cruel fashion. yet still wanted to be friends with me. you showered me with affection and quickly took it away. i wept so hard in my dream that i woke up crying. i don't like the fact that you can resort me to tears physically and in dreamland. 

i miss you. 

please talk to me and tell me about your day.

i love you.

i thought about you

this morning i had a dream about you. i dreamt that the package you promised me came in the mail. in the black box was glitter, photographs of you, and my picture from grade nine. there was a copious amount of mix cds all created by you. i looked at the package and clung it tight to my chest. and i smiled and i thought that things were back to normal again between us.

the package symbolized the end of the silences. the package represented the idea that there will be no more long stretches of time between correspondence. the package symbolized the hope that maybe you would love me.

i woke up expecting the package to be at my feet.
i woke up with the realization that it was only dream.
my smile left my face.

palabras bajas

i was so close to sending him this today. so fucking close. but i can't do it. logic got in the way. i hate reality.

done school for now

i'm happily typing away. i am watching tv without a looming deadline over my head. i'm going to watch a movie, and i'm going to bake an egg tart. 

i'm thrilled the stress is gone. 

one of the things i truly hate about summer is the fact that i can be left alone with the thoughts i don't want to think about. confronting my demons this summer will be quite interesting.

i forsee a lot of crying. 

also some girl killed herself over mcr. now i understand killing yourself over kurt cobain, but my chemical romance? seriously? seriously...? now i know that teens are getting more and more ridiculous every year. goddamn it i hate youth. i never thought i'd say that. but i guess i did. teenagers are so self indulgent. i can't believe i possibly acted like that. but sometimes i smile and i realize how lucky i was. i had a ton of friends, a good spot at the lunch table, school was easy, and the parties were crazy. but my god.... MCR?

summer amusement.

summer's coming fast and i personally hate the weather and i prefer to be in my air conditioned home. but there are some things that are just too irresistible and summer friendly. i have decided to give myself some goals that i think are reasonable and sexy. can goals be both reasonable and sexy? well i think so. so let's get on with this.

mika's summer goal extravaganza

• stop being pathetic over one christopher (the love of my life.. or so i think).

• gardening (i have a ton of new gardening ideas and plants that are just waiting to be planted).

• grow edible and ornamental things.

• learn new recipes, preferably vegetarian friendly for my vegetable loving friends. 

• catch up on all my history books that i have purchased for personal enjoyment -- particularly my juicy book on the wives of henry VIII, and maybe do some research on my favourite "absolutist" monarch louis XIV. 

• watch a ton of good movies

• a buffy marathon with my lovely jeremy

• plan a bunch of fun outings with my nearest and dearest

• again, with the gardening. 

• focus on what i want to take for next year's classes - hopefully i'll have a more fun schedule?

• summer job? i really want money. i like money, but money does not like me. 

• be a girl for like a month and lose some weight so i can wear pretty dresses. and not look like a fat bag.

• new converse? 

• going to the caribbean - i  hope to get some sand in a bottle and visit some slave plantations to see records and whatnot. i have to see for myself what i've studied these past few years at good old u of t. 

• my mixed cd masterpiece project -- making decent mix cds for friends..

• writing letters. i miss snail mail

• new music and concerts. i love both. so a combination of the two would be lovely

okay i'm done with the list. look at the picture of one of my fave flowers i left you, convolvulus sepium aka morning glory.

shit on toast.

i am trying hard to be understanding in these difficult times for the TTC. but dude, having been really inconvenienced by the TTC, i would have to say that i'm quite disappointed. i have no contentions about their strike. i feel as a democratic country, everyone should be entitled to strike. 

i just wish that people could have been warned ahead of time to make proper arrangements. 

i totally do not agree with the fact that the TTC decided to shut down all service to all subways, 

buses and streetcars at 12:00am. toronto could be a dangerous place at night. there are people right now who are coming home from work, studying, going out, running errands and whatnot. it is bad form to see the TTC suddenly cancelling all service. i would have been more accepting of it had they done it in the morning. people need to get home. they have seriously inconvenienced people tonight and i really cannot believe this happened. 

i support the TTC. i feel as though people take them for granted. i have been a witness to TTC drivers being verbally abused. seriously, i'm surprised it took them that long to strike. toronto as a city treats our drivers like shit. we should respect the people who work almost all hours to get us home and to work safe. but what they did tonight is unforgivable. 

i am personally inconvenienced and extremely worried about making my exams on time. i need to tutor kids tomorrow and i will have to cancel that. i need the TTC tomorrow to get to my university's library, but i guess that's going to have to happen at another time. arrgh. i'm frustrated because i have no control over anything. and it's not like i have access to my parent's car at the moment. 

that blue eyed kid.

i got an unexpected call yesterday evening when i was dining with my family at our local chinese restaurant. it was a call from an old friend and an old love. i was shocked and surprisingly very giddy. i don't have feelings for him anymore, but that one part of me that used to love him. that one part that was conveniently tucked away made itself known. suddenly, i found myself excited and relieved to hear his voice on my answering machine. he started his message casually enough commenting on how glum i sound on my answering machine, and said i should be more cheerful because i'm a cheerful person. which i admit gave me a smile. then he delivered the news. 

he's moving away. moving away with his girlfriend. 

he told me he got a job there and that he's leaving me very soon. my heart felt like it dropped  to my stomach. i feel as though all my friends are moving far away and i'm left with ridiculous people. i miss him already and he hasn't even left.

i don't know if i will permanently lose touch with him. as much as i don't want to, there's a sneaking suspicion that it's an increasing possibility. he seems to be slipping through my fingers while i try to grasp at my linkages to him. i guess yesterday's message was more than a goodbye. to me it was relevant in other ways. yesterday's message was a confirmation that all my little fantasies about us being in love were so far-fetched and wrong. he never loved me in the way i wanted him to, at all. he never liked me the way i wanted him to like me. he only loved and liked me as a friend.

i could have been that girlfriend who moved with him. but he chose not to choose me. it's a hard and bitter pill to swallow. but if i am if anything,  a girl with great coping mechanisms. i've been fucked in more ways than one this year and the years previous and i can take more. 

i have cold comfort in knowing that i'm one of the people he chose to hang out with before he left  to that fucking barren land. i would have been more hurt and wounded had i found out through facebook or some other type of messaging media. i will miss him, he is first and foremost a good friend of mine. we have fun, we make each other laugh. i will miss my friend. with all his eccentric sensibilities and his icy blue eyes. if i'll miss anything, it's the way he smells. i have this amazing olfactory memory.. i'll just miss the way he smells, it reminds me of a happy time. i'm uncertain if i want to hang out with him before he leaves. i'm afraid i might cry or do something idiotic. i hate saying goodbyes to people i really really like or care about. it's so hard.

needless to say, his message for me will be saved on my cellphone for a very long time. as sick as it sounds, i really liked hearing his voice. i missed it. and when i'll miss him. at least i can hear his voice, even if it's for the last time in a long long while.

i love you.

i think this deserved its own spot. 

i'm trying to be brave for a friend who might have cervical cancer. 

we don't know the results yet but i'm anxious about it. she doesn't know how much she means to me. 

she was my idol for my formative years, she was a companion, someone who listens and cheers me up with her sunny disposition. 

she is a creative force, a beautiful girl and full of life. i don't want that robbed away from her. she won't be able to read this, but i have a message for her. 

hey you, 

i think you're strong and beautiful. at this time there are moments where you can't be strong and you wish that you didn't have to deal with this shit. i don't know how to relate, but know for sure.. that i'll be strong for you if you feel you can't be. i love you. know that i'm always here for you to talk to. we've been friends for a while. know that you can count on me should shit go down.

love mika

take a picture, it'll last longer.

i wish i could capture picturesque shots of my life and categorize them in an album. i could label them with witty, catchy titles. or under them, would be a footnote of a painful memory. i would clutch this album to my chest and smile and say "this is my life, these are my memories. i lived all these things." the catch is that i wouldn't be able to share this with anyone. frankly, that's fine by me. 

there are some memories that come to mind. those are moments that i wish were immortalized in some form of media. i thought them epic. if i could bottle those feelings and encapsulate the moment in one screenshot, i think i'd be pretty happy. but i can't. as i rely on my memory that's slowly fading away as time goes, one sort of loses touch with these special, albeit rose coloured and biased memories. these shy awkward glances, smiles,  and completely random and beautiful nights, kisses, smells and tastes.

this is why i'm so frightened of alzheimer's. my sister and i lost our grandmother to it. she lost her memory and was often confused she couldn't link the faces she was seeing to memories because she lost it all. i could think of nothing more tragic than losing memories of places and people, like where you live, your favourite colour, or your favourite ice cream flavour, the first A you got in school, your most embarrassing moment, a funny joke, how to make a mean margarita, your child's name.

memory is so dangerous and fleeting. 

the problem with my being nostalgic is that i can't seem to let go at all. a trip down memory lane can lead to happiness, regret, longing, pain, bitterness – hardly any of my trips take me down happiness avenue, i'll tell you that much. nor do i come back with an nice souvenir to show my friends. it's like picking at scabs. over and over again. until everything is raw and red. it's always about what did i miss, or what could i have done better? it's a shortcoming on my part, but still. all of these memories... for them to be categorized, filed and captured only to be seen by me is something i'd want to happen. 

when will you get back from mars?

i remember when days used to be like that picture. your concerns consisted of  the following:

a) who you were going to play with that day?

b) would there be cake involved?

no worries, no loyalties. just fun and the occasional cake and/or pudding, sometimes both. 

i used to have this friend. used to being the operative term. he had this grin that drove me insane, and infectious high pitched laughter that sent shivers down my spine. he had a sinewy body that contorted to different shapes. his hair smelled of pert shampoo. his angular face was so exquisite and made me smile. he used to run around breathlessly attempting to catch dragonflies. i used to watch him run in the buttery sunlight.  i loved him. 

you always think that things would be better once you grew up. but sometimes it doesn't turn out right. sometimes things turn cold. sometimes you run out of things to say. 

sometimes, things only belong to a certain place and time. and that's something you just have to accept i guess. there are moments where i think of him and smile. i wish sometimes that things would have turned out differently that night in 1998. we were too foolish and dumb and too young to understand. 

coming back was a mistake.

he drove me away. 

for good i guess.

he knows i loved him. 

as he once loved me.

i guess it wasn't enough to garner the least bit of civility.

paper shoes

i don't know what it is about me that makes me so incredibly attracted to men who would never be attracted to me. it happens all too often, and usually ends with me shitfaced and crying for a couple of months. you would think that i would give up already, but apparently i'm the type who's a sucker for some sort of clusterfuck type of punishment. i should honestly stop kidding myself, but...

i seriously think i'm in love. 

chris.... i adore you. seriously i do. you're the reason why i had to get away from lj for a bit. that friends filter deal was too much of a hassle. i would diaryland it, but you've got a password for that as well. you're way too entrenched in my life. i like it at the same time, i'm disgusted with the way i let you get so close. in a short period of time since i've known you. how long ago was it? shit, i don't even know.. this is why we both need calendars.

i should be plugging away at this ridiculous paper i'm writing about sumptuary laws in early modern europe but i'm not. instead i'm preoccupied with silly meanderings at 3:07 am. why? i guess it's because i have ovaries. 

paper shoes.

paper skin.

paper heart.

gag.

i'm trying this thing where friendships right now are all even. it's so hard to juggle so much drama and i'm seriously tired. no more of this. i just like where i am right now. i feel like i'm breathing finally. 

butterflies and moons

i have forgotten whether i read it, saw it in a movie.

but i heard of this one story about a butterfly falling in love with the moon.

she loved its pale face so much, she wanted to get closer to it.

she wanted to see it and admire it.

and so she flew, closer and closer. 

she kissed the moon, and drowned in its liquid shadows.

she had finally realized that all that time

she had fallen in love with an illusion.

i feel that way about chris sometimes.