a sonic bloom.

you made me smile once. i didn't want to be happy about it, but my heart does funny things sometimes. my heart skipped a beat and dropped to my stomach, there were butterflies and all these wonderful feelings that i couldn't contain. i didn't want to admit it to myself at that time, sometimes i deny it.  but there are some times that i wished that.. things would have been different between us. 

you once said that you thought of me at a concert. you wished i was with you when that one band played that one song at that one concert. that one song is one of the most important songs in my life. the fact that you thought of me when they played it made me grin and smile so much. it made me love you more. that song is playing now.. i can't help but think of you. i foolishly revisited some of the stuff we talked about that one night.. you remember it as well as i do. that one night when we were nothing but infinite. conversations that lasted forever, about everything and anything. i felt that all the music in the world was for us to share and enjoy together. all the love songs that i heard were dedicated to you. when it was that time, when i thought of you on the bus, on the subway.. on my way home, on my way to anywhere. 

i envied her. she had access to you, access that i could never have. i hated  how she hurt you because it was something i could never do to you... i would never do what she did to you.  i hated her and hated myself for not being enough. i hated myself for being too much and not enough at the same time.  declarations of love can only take you so far, and could only take you somewhere if the person you love reciprocates. i knew you never could, and i knew you'd feel bad that you wouldn't be able to. i would have ruined everything. i understand it now, and i'm glad i do. too bad it took me so long to realize this. 

little utterances and words mean so much - when said by the right person. you were that person for me. you were able to take me out of the dark places, especially last year when everything was difficult - i cried and felt bad, and i felt so alone. thank you. i loved you, you would never know that.. or maybe you knew (you're not stupid) but you just wanted to spare me the heartache. i loved you, but i don't think i feel that way for you anymore... to be honest i'm relieved. there's no more bad poetry or prose. no more crying.. you'll never know how much you meant to me, and how much you still matter. i think of you, and i think of all the good things in the world that remind me of you, or things that are somehow linked to you. i think of sunshine, smiles, auburn hair, blue eyes.. mix cds, different coloured letters, the feeling of eternity and all encompassing love, the word darling, L-O-V-E-R, rory calhoun. i missed you so much, and i still do. all the longing and heartache has been taken away. i'm so much happier now. 

i once wrote that "i want to be able to see you and shake your hand in friendship" on a list of things i needed to do. i scribbled it in my journal a while ago. i think i can safely say that i can do it now. i'm ready.. are you?

that blue eyed kid.

i got an unexpected call yesterday evening when i was dining with my family at our local chinese restaurant. it was a call from an old friend and an old love. i was shocked and surprisingly very giddy. i don't have feelings for him anymore, but that one part of me that used to love him. that one part that was conveniently tucked away made itself known. suddenly, i found myself excited and relieved to hear his voice on my answering machine. he started his message casually enough commenting on how glum i sound on my answering machine, and said i should be more cheerful because i'm a cheerful person. which i admit gave me a smile. then he delivered the news. 

he's moving away. moving away with his girlfriend. 

he told me he got a job there and that he's leaving me very soon. my heart felt like it dropped  to my stomach. i feel as though all my friends are moving far away and i'm left with ridiculous people. i miss him already and he hasn't even left.

i don't know if i will permanently lose touch with him. as much as i don't want to, there's a sneaking suspicion that it's an increasing possibility. he seems to be slipping through my fingers while i try to grasp at my linkages to him. i guess yesterday's message was more than a goodbye. to me it was relevant in other ways. yesterday's message was a confirmation that all my little fantasies about us being in love were so far-fetched and wrong. he never loved me in the way i wanted him to, at all. he never liked me the way i wanted him to like me. he only loved and liked me as a friend.

i could have been that girlfriend who moved with him. but he chose not to choose me. it's a hard and bitter pill to swallow. but if i am if anything,  a girl with great coping mechanisms. i've been fucked in more ways than one this year and the years previous and i can take more. 

i have cold comfort in knowing that i'm one of the people he chose to hang out with before he left  to that fucking barren land. i would have been more hurt and wounded had i found out through facebook or some other type of messaging media. i will miss him, he is first and foremost a good friend of mine. we have fun, we make each other laugh. i will miss my friend. with all his eccentric sensibilities and his icy blue eyes. if i'll miss anything, it's the way he smells. i have this amazing olfactory memory.. i'll just miss the way he smells, it reminds me of a happy time. i'm uncertain if i want to hang out with him before he leaves. i'm afraid i might cry or do something idiotic. i hate saying goodbyes to people i really really like or care about. it's so hard.

needless to say, his message for me will be saved on my cellphone for a very long time. as sick as it sounds, i really liked hearing his voice. i missed it. and when i'll miss him. at least i can hear his voice, even if it's for the last time in a long long while.

take a picture, it'll last longer.

i wish i could capture picturesque shots of my life and categorize them in an album. i could label them with witty, catchy titles. or under them, would be a footnote of a painful memory. i would clutch this album to my chest and smile and say "this is my life, these are my memories. i lived all these things." the catch is that i wouldn't be able to share this with anyone. frankly, that's fine by me. 

there are some memories that come to mind. those are moments that i wish were immortalized in some form of media. i thought them epic. if i could bottle those feelings and encapsulate the moment in one screenshot, i think i'd be pretty happy. but i can't. as i rely on my memory that's slowly fading away as time goes, one sort of loses touch with these special, albeit rose coloured and biased memories. these shy awkward glances, smiles,  and completely random and beautiful nights, kisses, smells and tastes.

this is why i'm so frightened of alzheimer's. my sister and i lost our grandmother to it. she lost her memory and was often confused she couldn't link the faces she was seeing to memories because she lost it all. i could think of nothing more tragic than losing memories of places and people, like where you live, your favourite colour, or your favourite ice cream flavour, the first A you got in school, your most embarrassing moment, a funny joke, how to make a mean margarita, your child's name.

memory is so dangerous and fleeting. 

the problem with my being nostalgic is that i can't seem to let go at all. a trip down memory lane can lead to happiness, regret, longing, pain, bitterness – hardly any of my trips take me down happiness avenue, i'll tell you that much. nor do i come back with an nice souvenir to show my friends. it's like picking at scabs. over and over again. until everything is raw and red. it's always about what did i miss, or what could i have done better? it's a shortcoming on my part, but still. all of these memories... for them to be categorized, filed and captured only to be seen by me is something i'd want to happen.