regrets

i honestly don't know why you come back in the strangest of times. you always seem to be there when i'm having the worst time and you make me laugh and smile. thank you.

i apologize if i've misled you or i continue to mislead you. do you still love me the way you did years ago? i was young then, inexperienced, shy and awkward. you loved all that. it still puzzles me that you did.

now we're a little bit older and we have coffee and grown up talks. we reminisce about the stupid shit we did. we talk about the people getting married – love, and the stupid things it made/makes us do. what went wrong with our love lives. you listen to me gripe about my issues and you know some of the most intimate details about my life... stuff i don't even tell a lot of my close friends, let alone my boyfriend. you listen and i feel comfortable around you. you sit and smile across the table from me. you sip your coffee and smirk because you lied to me about wanting cake. instead you buy me a huge slice and leave me to finish it. we share ice cream and you tell me i never changed. sometimes, i think about how nice you would be for me.

deep down you and i know it can never happen between us. my theory is, if you know someone enough – if it's going to happen it's going to happen. it never did for us. i don't think it ever would to be honest. you're a milhouse to me. i just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make you feel bad. i think i'm going to stay away from you for a bit.

done school for now

i'm happily typing away. i am watching tv without a looming deadline over my head. i'm going to watch a movie, and i'm going to bake an egg tart. 

i'm thrilled the stress is gone. 

one of the things i truly hate about summer is the fact that i can be left alone with the thoughts i don't want to think about. confronting my demons this summer will be quite interesting.

i forsee a lot of crying. 

also some girl killed herself over mcr. now i understand killing yourself over kurt cobain, but my chemical romance? seriously? seriously...? now i know that teens are getting more and more ridiculous every year. goddamn it i hate youth. i never thought i'd say that. but i guess i did. teenagers are so self indulgent. i can't believe i possibly acted like that. but sometimes i smile and i realize how lucky i was. i had a ton of friends, a good spot at the lunch table, school was easy, and the parties were crazy. but my god.... MCR?

that blue eyed kid.

i got an unexpected call yesterday evening when i was dining with my family at our local chinese restaurant. it was a call from an old friend and an old love. i was shocked and surprisingly very giddy. i don't have feelings for him anymore, but that one part of me that used to love him. that one part that was conveniently tucked away made itself known. suddenly, i found myself excited and relieved to hear his voice on my answering machine. he started his message casually enough commenting on how glum i sound on my answering machine, and said i should be more cheerful because i'm a cheerful person. which i admit gave me a smile. then he delivered the news. 

he's moving away. moving away with his girlfriend. 

he told me he got a job there and that he's leaving me very soon. my heart felt like it dropped  to my stomach. i feel as though all my friends are moving far away and i'm left with ridiculous people. i miss him already and he hasn't even left.

i don't know if i will permanently lose touch with him. as much as i don't want to, there's a sneaking suspicion that it's an increasing possibility. he seems to be slipping through my fingers while i try to grasp at my linkages to him. i guess yesterday's message was more than a goodbye. to me it was relevant in other ways. yesterday's message was a confirmation that all my little fantasies about us being in love were so far-fetched and wrong. he never loved me in the way i wanted him to, at all. he never liked me the way i wanted him to like me. he only loved and liked me as a friend.

i could have been that girlfriend who moved with him. but he chose not to choose me. it's a hard and bitter pill to swallow. but if i am if anything,  a girl with great coping mechanisms. i've been fucked in more ways than one this year and the years previous and i can take more. 

i have cold comfort in knowing that i'm one of the people he chose to hang out with before he left  to that fucking barren land. i would have been more hurt and wounded had i found out through facebook or some other type of messaging media. i will miss him, he is first and foremost a good friend of mine. we have fun, we make each other laugh. i will miss my friend. with all his eccentric sensibilities and his icy blue eyes. if i'll miss anything, it's the way he smells. i have this amazing olfactory memory.. i'll just miss the way he smells, it reminds me of a happy time. i'm uncertain if i want to hang out with him before he leaves. i'm afraid i might cry or do something idiotic. i hate saying goodbyes to people i really really like or care about. it's so hard.

needless to say, his message for me will be saved on my cellphone for a very long time. as sick as it sounds, i really liked hearing his voice. i missed it. and when i'll miss him. at least i can hear his voice, even if it's for the last time in a long long while.