i got an unexpected call yesterday evening when i was dining with my family at our local chinese restaurant. it was a call from an old friend and an old love. i was shocked and surprisingly very giddy. i don't have feelings for him anymore, but that one part of me that used to love him. that one part that was conveniently tucked away made itself known. suddenly, i found myself excited and relieved to hear his voice on my answering machine. he started his message casually enough commenting on how glum i sound on my answering machine, and said i should be more cheerful because i'm a cheerful person. which i admit gave me a smile. then he delivered the news.
he's moving away. moving away with his girlfriend.
he told me he got a job there and that he's leaving me very soon. my heart felt like it dropped to my stomach. i feel as though all my friends are moving far away and i'm left with ridiculous people. i miss him already and he hasn't even left.
i don't know if i will permanently lose touch with him. as much as i don't want to, there's a sneaking suspicion that it's an increasing possibility. he seems to be slipping through my fingers while i try to grasp at my linkages to him. i guess yesterday's message was more than a goodbye. to me it was relevant in other ways. yesterday's message was a confirmation that all my little fantasies about us being in love were so far-fetched and wrong. he never loved me in the way i wanted him to, at all. he never liked me the way i wanted him to like me. he only loved and liked me as a friend.
i could have been that girlfriend who moved with him. but he chose not to choose me. it's a hard and bitter pill to swallow. but if i am if anything, a girl with great coping mechanisms. i've been fucked in more ways than one this year and the years previous and i can take more.
i have cold comfort in knowing that i'm one of the people he chose to hang out with before he left to that fucking barren land. i would have been more hurt and wounded had i found out through facebook or some other type of messaging media. i will miss him, he is first and foremost a good friend of mine. we have fun, we make each other laugh. i will miss my friend. with all his eccentric sensibilities and his icy blue eyes. if i'll miss anything, it's the way he smells. i have this amazing olfactory memory.. i'll just miss the way he smells, it reminds me of a happy time. i'm uncertain if i want to hang out with him before he leaves. i'm afraid i might cry or do something idiotic. i hate saying goodbyes to people i really really like or care about. it's so hard.
needless to say, his message for me will be saved on my cellphone for a very long time. as sick as it sounds, i really liked hearing his voice. i missed it. and when i'll miss him. at least i can hear his voice, even if it's for the last time in a long long while.
