fake proms for the neurotic

stacey's going to the fake prom tonight. as much as i wanted to go, i'm stuck here at home. i hope she has fun tonight. i promise to myself that i'm going to be more adventurous and spontaneous. when the next fake prom rolls around next summer, i will be there with dress and bells on. 

i just want for once to go into unknown places without a feeling of deep hesitation and possible regret. i want to dive in without thinking to see what happens. but the neurotic in me will think that should i do that..... i would most likely get hurt physically or emotionally. it's this weird defense mechanism i've developed over the years. i should just get over it but i can't seem to do it. 

i'm going to my first summer house party in ages tomorrow with alex and stacey. let's hope for the best. i will see some savory and unsavory characters tomorrow. let's just hope that my neurotic tendencies die down for a little bit.

allan called me the other day and his voice message made me smile. so i guess i'm calling him tonight. :)

forget me nots

this summer has been all about transitions. more and more i see who my true friends are, i'm quite proud of my ability to cut corroding ties before it's too late. i am quite satisfied with my life right now. i say it over and over again and i smile. it's not one of those "oh i'm happy deals, i'll say it over and over again until maybe i start to delude myself". no, i am content. genuinely happy, for the first time in ages. 

however, seeing summer romances bloom within my circle of friends makes me happy and a little bit sad. i told someone that i am not looking for anyone, nor am i interested in anyone.. but seeing some of my friends' lasting relationships makes me long for something similar. i feel like i'm in this eternal race of catch up, catching up with my friends for relationships, academic success and other such matters. i know i shouldn't be racing, number one i'm asthmatic and number two.. well, let's just say i never win. a part of me is indifferent and a part of me is screeching and stomping around in an attempt to motivate myself to hurry the fuck up. this child in me wants to have what others have, or perhaps something even better. it's the eternal child in me that wants instant equality, gratification.. whether or not i deserve it. 

i'm the first to admit that in the wee hours of the morning, a part of me is so self involved (well, more so than usual) and lonely. 

my running shoes are on and everyone has years of head starts ahead of me. the race is happening in front of me, and i decide to sit this one out. there's no hope. or maybe this is just sufjan talking.

maybe some happy news are in order. my friend justin is recognized for his beautiful photos! i love my friend i wish him all the best!