a whole lot of maybes.

it's 2:54 am and i type random garbage that no one would want to read anyways. i am currently listening to the chantels "maybe." if you didn't know.. at a young age, maybe around the age of 7 i started listening to music from the 40s to the 60s (particularly motown and doo wop). anyways, the lyrics go "maybe if i pray every night, you'd come back to me." link for reference http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jNijnSY0AA – depressing. i don't know why i like sad music, it's almost as though i'm asking to get sad. my life is going through all sorts of transitions, i had a friend die, my sister and three of my friends moved away to different parts of the world. career talks and growing up, it's all very different.

what is it about these songs that make me feel so wistful, even if they're supposed to be happy? i mean, take for example diana ross and the supremes.. their song "i hear a symphony" is supposed to be happy but instead i'm filled with a feeling of heavy regret and sadness. perhaps it's just diana ross's voice. hmm i'm rambling. maybe it's just me.

arlene smith's pleading voice in "maybe" just gets to me and reminds me of a time when i did the same thing, especially regarding you, christopher. i've lost you. chris, if you're willing to hear me out.. i just want to ask you one question.

why did you stop caring about me?

as arlene smith pleads and prays away in this song.. i'm doing my own prayers, if i try hard enough, maybe some unknown force out there would be kind. it would give me a miracle or a gift, and you'll be part of my life again. maybe, maybe, baby.

love will tear us apart, again.

and love? well, if sex is sweet and death is bitter, love is both. love will always and forever break your heart.

-- augustus hill, OZ

i always revisit that quote from hill, because it's true.

chris, i give up. i'm tired.

i've been taken for granted for far too long.

i've been a fool.

i get it.

you don't want me to be in your life anymore.

rain and emails.

i would be lying if i said i wasn't hurt when you didn't call on sunday.

oh christopher..

i miss you so much.

a sonic bloom.

you made me smile once. i didn't want to be happy about it, but my heart does funny things sometimes. my heart skipped a beat and dropped to my stomach, there were butterflies and all these wonderful feelings that i couldn't contain. i didn't want to admit it to myself at that time, sometimes i deny it.  but there are some times that i wished that.. things would have been different between us. 

you once said that you thought of me at a concert. you wished i was with you when that one band played that one song at that one concert. that one song is one of the most important songs in my life. the fact that you thought of me when they played it made me grin and smile so much. it made me love you more. that song is playing now.. i can't help but think of you. i foolishly revisited some of the stuff we talked about that one night.. you remember it as well as i do. that one night when we were nothing but infinite. conversations that lasted forever, about everything and anything. i felt that all the music in the world was for us to share and enjoy together. all the love songs that i heard were dedicated to you. when it was that time, when i thought of you on the bus, on the subway.. on my way home, on my way to anywhere. 

i envied her. she had access to you, access that i could never have. i hated  how she hurt you because it was something i could never do to you... i would never do what she did to you.  i hated her and hated myself for not being enough. i hated myself for being too much and not enough at the same time.  declarations of love can only take you so far, and could only take you somewhere if the person you love reciprocates. i knew you never could, and i knew you'd feel bad that you wouldn't be able to. i would have ruined everything. i understand it now, and i'm glad i do. too bad it took me so long to realize this. 

little utterances and words mean so much - when said by the right person. you were that person for me. you were able to take me out of the dark places, especially last year when everything was difficult - i cried and felt bad, and i felt so alone. thank you. i loved you, you would never know that.. or maybe you knew (you're not stupid) but you just wanted to spare me the heartache. i loved you, but i don't think i feel that way for you anymore... to be honest i'm relieved. there's no more bad poetry or prose. no more crying.. you'll never know how much you meant to me, and how much you still matter. i think of you, and i think of all the good things in the world that remind me of you, or things that are somehow linked to you. i think of sunshine, smiles, auburn hair, blue eyes.. mix cds, different coloured letters, the feeling of eternity and all encompassing love, the word darling, L-O-V-E-R, rory calhoun. i missed you so much, and i still do. all the longing and heartache has been taken away. i'm so much happier now. 

i once wrote that "i want to be able to see you and shake your hand in friendship" on a list of things i needed to do. i scribbled it in my journal a while ago. i think i can safely say that i can do it now. i'm ready.. are you?

forget me nots

this summer has been all about transitions. more and more i see who my true friends are, i'm quite proud of my ability to cut corroding ties before it's too late. i am quite satisfied with my life right now. i say it over and over again and i smile. it's not one of those "oh i'm happy deals, i'll say it over and over again until maybe i start to delude myself". no, i am content. genuinely happy, for the first time in ages. 

however, seeing summer romances bloom within my circle of friends makes me happy and a little bit sad. i told someone that i am not looking for anyone, nor am i interested in anyone.. but seeing some of my friends' lasting relationships makes me long for something similar. i feel like i'm in this eternal race of catch up, catching up with my friends for relationships, academic success and other such matters. i know i shouldn't be racing, number one i'm asthmatic and number two.. well, let's just say i never win. a part of me is indifferent and a part of me is screeching and stomping around in an attempt to motivate myself to hurry the fuck up. this child in me wants to have what others have, or perhaps something even better. it's the eternal child in me that wants instant equality, gratification.. whether or not i deserve it. 

i'm the first to admit that in the wee hours of the morning, a part of me is so self involved (well, more so than usual) and lonely. 

my running shoes are on and everyone has years of head starts ahead of me. the race is happening in front of me, and i decide to sit this one out. there's no hope. or maybe this is just sufjan talking.

maybe some happy news are in order. my friend justin is recognized for his beautiful photos! i love my friend i wish him all the best!

trois libras

i threw you the obvious 

and you flew with it on your back

you don't

you don't 

see me

you don't

see me at all.

make it hurt

i had another dream about you. in my dream you completely turned me down in a most cruel fashion. yet still wanted to be friends with me. you showered me with affection and quickly took it away. i wept so hard in my dream that i woke up crying. i don't like the fact that you can resort me to tears physically and in dreamland. 

i miss you. 

please talk to me and tell me about your day.

i love you.

i thought about you

this morning i had a dream about you. i dreamt that the package you promised me came in the mail. in the black box was glitter, photographs of you, and my picture from grade nine. there was a copious amount of mix cds all created by you. i looked at the package and clung it tight to my chest. and i smiled and i thought that things were back to normal again between us.

the package symbolized the end of the silences. the package represented the idea that there will be no more long stretches of time between correspondence. the package symbolized the hope that maybe you would love me.

i woke up expecting the package to be at my feet.
i woke up with the realization that it was only dream.
my smile left my face.

palabras bajas

i was so close to sending him this today. so fucking close. but i can't do it. logic got in the way. i hate reality.

paper shoes

i don't know what it is about me that makes me so incredibly attracted to men who would never be attracted to me. it happens all too often, and usually ends with me shitfaced and crying for a couple of months. you would think that i would give up already, but apparently i'm the type who's a sucker for some sort of clusterfuck type of punishment. i should honestly stop kidding myself, but...

i seriously think i'm in love. 

chris.... i adore you. seriously i do. you're the reason why i had to get away from lj for a bit. that friends filter deal was too much of a hassle. i would diaryland it, but you've got a password for that as well. you're way too entrenched in my life. i like it at the same time, i'm disgusted with the way i let you get so close. in a short period of time since i've known you. how long ago was it? shit, i don't even know.. this is why we both need calendars.

i should be plugging away at this ridiculous paper i'm writing about sumptuary laws in early modern europe but i'm not. instead i'm preoccupied with silly meanderings at 3:07 am. why? i guess it's because i have ovaries. 

paper shoes.

paper skin.

paper heart.

butterflies and moons

i have forgotten whether i read it, saw it in a movie.

but i heard of this one story about a butterfly falling in love with the moon.

she loved its pale face so much, she wanted to get closer to it.

she wanted to see it and admire it.

and so she flew, closer and closer. 

she kissed the moon, and drowned in its liquid shadows.

she had finally realized that all that time

she had fallen in love with an illusion.

i feel that way about chris sometimes.