barf

i just had a job interview today with AMC theatres. i do this to myself all the time. i convince myself a job is good for me, i am happy with a decision and then i want to back out when i'm close to getting a job or a responsibility. i don't know why it happens. i guess it's my own form of self sabotage or a deep rooted fear of something i don't have a handle on. 

i want a job. i want to make money. am i sure that AMC is the right place for me? no. but it could be, but i'll never know unlesss i try it. right? right. to be honest, i'm just scared. and i don't like the fact that things in my life will now be scheduled should i get the job. there's this secret hope that i won't get in just so i can have my schedule-less life. i don't know. maybe i'm not as grown up as i think i am.

i'm so scared and just so unsure of myself right now. 

i think a nice guy from my middle school asked me out a couple of days ago. he's a very nice guy, and he's cute and respectful and smart.. again i don't like him. i don't know what it is that's holding me back to just jump into something with someone that may be good for me. 

palabras bajas

i was so close to sending him this today. so fucking close. but i can't do it. logic got in the way. i hate reality.

summer amusement.

summer's coming fast and i personally hate the weather and i prefer to be in my air conditioned home. but there are some things that are just too irresistible and summer friendly. i have decided to give myself some goals that i think are reasonable and sexy. can goals be both reasonable and sexy? well i think so. so let's get on with this.

mika's summer goal extravaganza

• stop being pathetic over one christopher (the love of my life.. or so i think).

• gardening (i have a ton of new gardening ideas and plants that are just waiting to be planted).

• grow edible and ornamental things.

• learn new recipes, preferably vegetarian friendly for my vegetable loving friends. 

• catch up on all my history books that i have purchased for personal enjoyment -- particularly my juicy book on the wives of henry VIII, and maybe do some research on my favourite "absolutist" monarch louis XIV. 

• watch a ton of good movies

• a buffy marathon with my lovely jeremy

• plan a bunch of fun outings with my nearest and dearest

• again, with the gardening. 

• focus on what i want to take for next year's classes - hopefully i'll have a more fun schedule?

• summer job? i really want money. i like money, but money does not like me. 

• be a girl for like a month and lose some weight so i can wear pretty dresses. and not look like a fat bag.

• new converse? 

• going to the caribbean - i  hope to get some sand in a bottle and visit some slave plantations to see records and whatnot. i have to see for myself what i've studied these past few years at good old u of t. 

• my mixed cd masterpiece project -- making decent mix cds for friends..

• writing letters. i miss snail mail

• new music and concerts. i love both. so a combination of the two would be lovely

okay i'm done with the list. look at the picture of one of my fave flowers i left you, convolvulus sepium aka morning glory.