a whole lot of maybes.

it's 2:54 am and i type random garbage that no one would want to read anyways. i am currently listening to the chantels "maybe." if you didn't know.. at a young age, maybe around the age of 7 i started listening to music from the 40s to the 60s (particularly motown and doo wop). anyways, the lyrics go "maybe if i pray every night, you'd come back to me." link for reference http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jNijnSY0AA – depressing. i don't know why i like sad music, it's almost as though i'm asking to get sad. my life is going through all sorts of transitions, i had a friend die, my sister and three of my friends moved away to different parts of the world. career talks and growing up, it's all very different.

what is it about these songs that make me feel so wistful, even if they're supposed to be happy? i mean, take for example diana ross and the supremes.. their song "i hear a symphony" is supposed to be happy but instead i'm filled with a feeling of heavy regret and sadness. perhaps it's just diana ross's voice. hmm i'm rambling. maybe it's just me.

arlene smith's pleading voice in "maybe" just gets to me and reminds me of a time when i did the same thing, especially regarding you, christopher. i've lost you. chris, if you're willing to hear me out.. i just want to ask you one question.

why did you stop caring about me?

as arlene smith pleads and prays away in this song.. i'm doing my own prayers, if i try hard enough, maybe some unknown force out there would be kind. it would give me a miracle or a gift, and you'll be part of my life again. maybe, maybe, baby.

regrets

i honestly don't know why you come back in the strangest of times. you always seem to be there when i'm having the worst time and you make me laugh and smile. thank you.

i apologize if i've misled you or i continue to mislead you. do you still love me the way you did years ago? i was young then, inexperienced, shy and awkward. you loved all that. it still puzzles me that you did.

now we're a little bit older and we have coffee and grown up talks. we reminisce about the stupid shit we did. we talk about the people getting married – love, and the stupid things it made/makes us do. what went wrong with our love lives. you listen to me gripe about my issues and you know some of the most intimate details about my life... stuff i don't even tell a lot of my close friends, let alone my boyfriend. you listen and i feel comfortable around you. you sit and smile across the table from me. you sip your coffee and smirk because you lied to me about wanting cake. instead you buy me a huge slice and leave me to finish it. we share ice cream and you tell me i never changed. sometimes, i think about how nice you would be for me.

deep down you and i know it can never happen between us. my theory is, if you know someone enough – if it's going to happen it's going to happen. it never did for us. i don't think it ever would to be honest. you're a milhouse to me. i just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make you feel bad. i think i'm going to stay away from you for a bit.

love will tear us apart, again.

and love? well, if sex is sweet and death is bitter, love is both. love will always and forever break your heart.

-- augustus hill, OZ

i always revisit that quote from hill, because it's true.

chris, i give up. i'm tired.

i've been taken for granted for far too long.

i've been a fool.

i get it.

you don't want me to be in your life anymore.

i love you and i'm glad you love me too. you make me so happy.

rain and emails.

i would be lying if i said i wasn't hurt when you didn't call on sunday.

oh christopher..

i miss you so much.

writer's block

i sit here trying to type an essay,

my eyes burning from lack of sleep.

i suddenly found the urge to smile. 

it must because i'm thinking of you.

i hope you're thinking of me too,

wherever you are.

you make me happy. <3

a sonic bloom.

you made me smile once. i didn't want to be happy about it, but my heart does funny things sometimes. my heart skipped a beat and dropped to my stomach, there were butterflies and all these wonderful feelings that i couldn't contain. i didn't want to admit it to myself at that time, sometimes i deny it.  but there are some times that i wished that.. things would have been different between us. 

you once said that you thought of me at a concert. you wished i was with you when that one band played that one song at that one concert. that one song is one of the most important songs in my life. the fact that you thought of me when they played it made me grin and smile so much. it made me love you more. that song is playing now.. i can't help but think of you. i foolishly revisited some of the stuff we talked about that one night.. you remember it as well as i do. that one night when we were nothing but infinite. conversations that lasted forever, about everything and anything. i felt that all the music in the world was for us to share and enjoy together. all the love songs that i heard were dedicated to you. when it was that time, when i thought of you on the bus, on the subway.. on my way home, on my way to anywhere. 

i envied her. she had access to you, access that i could never have. i hated  how she hurt you because it was something i could never do to you... i would never do what she did to you.  i hated her and hated myself for not being enough. i hated myself for being too much and not enough at the same time.  declarations of love can only take you so far, and could only take you somewhere if the person you love reciprocates. i knew you never could, and i knew you'd feel bad that you wouldn't be able to. i would have ruined everything. i understand it now, and i'm glad i do. too bad it took me so long to realize this. 

little utterances and words mean so much - when said by the right person. you were that person for me. you were able to take me out of the dark places, especially last year when everything was difficult - i cried and felt bad, and i felt so alone. thank you. i loved you, you would never know that.. or maybe you knew (you're not stupid) but you just wanted to spare me the heartache. i loved you, but i don't think i feel that way for you anymore... to be honest i'm relieved. there's no more bad poetry or prose. no more crying.. you'll never know how much you meant to me, and how much you still matter. i think of you, and i think of all the good things in the world that remind me of you, or things that are somehow linked to you. i think of sunshine, smiles, auburn hair, blue eyes.. mix cds, different coloured letters, the feeling of eternity and all encompassing love, the word darling, L-O-V-E-R, rory calhoun. i missed you so much, and i still do. all the longing and heartache has been taken away. i'm so much happier now. 

i once wrote that "i want to be able to see you and shake your hand in friendship" on a list of things i needed to do. i scribbled it in my journal a while ago. i think i can safely say that i can do it now. i'm ready.. are you?