i wish i could capture picturesque shots of my life and categorize them in an album. i could label them with witty, catchy titles. or under them, would be a footnote of a painful memory. i would clutch this album to my chest and smile and say "this is my life, these are my memories. i lived all these things." the catch is that i wouldn't be able to share this with anyone. frankly, that's fine by me.
there are some memories that come to mind. those are moments that i wish were immortalized in some form of media. i thought them epic. if i could bottle those feelings and encapsulate the moment in one screenshot, i think i'd be pretty happy. but i can't. as i rely on my memory that's slowly fading away as time goes, one sort of loses touch with these special, albeit rose coloured and biased memories. these shy awkward glances, smiles, and completely random and beautiful nights, kisses, smells and tastes.
this is why i'm so frightened of alzheimer's. my sister and i lost our grandmother to it. she lost her memory and was often confused she couldn't link the faces she was seeing to memories because she lost it all. i could think of nothing more tragic than losing memories of places and people, like where you live, your favourite colour, or your favourite ice cream flavour, the first A you got in school, your most embarrassing moment, a funny joke, how to make a mean margarita, your child's name.
memory is so dangerous and fleeting.
the problem with my being nostalgic is that i can't seem to let go at all. a trip down memory lane can lead to happiness, regret, longing, pain, bitterness – hardly any of my trips take me down happiness avenue, i'll tell you that much. nor do i come back with an nice souvenir to show my friends. it's like picking at scabs. over and over again. until everything is raw and red. it's always about what did i miss, or what could i have done better? it's a shortcoming on my part, but still. all of these memories... for them to be categorized, filed and captured only to be seen by me is something i'd want to happen.
