writer's block

i sit here trying to type an essay,

my eyes burning from lack of sleep.

i suddenly found the urge to smile. 

it must because i'm thinking of you.

i hope you're thinking of me too,

wherever you are.

you make me happy. <3

a sonic bloom.

you made me smile once. i didn't want to be happy about it, but my heart does funny things sometimes. my heart skipped a beat and dropped to my stomach, there were butterflies and all these wonderful feelings that i couldn't contain. i didn't want to admit it to myself at that time, sometimes i deny it.  but there are some times that i wished that.. things would have been different between us. 

you once said that you thought of me at a concert. you wished i was with you when that one band played that one song at that one concert. that one song is one of the most important songs in my life. the fact that you thought of me when they played it made me grin and smile so much. it made me love you more. that song is playing now.. i can't help but think of you. i foolishly revisited some of the stuff we talked about that one night.. you remember it as well as i do. that one night when we were nothing but infinite. conversations that lasted forever, about everything and anything. i felt that all the music in the world was for us to share and enjoy together. all the love songs that i heard were dedicated to you. when it was that time, when i thought of you on the bus, on the subway.. on my way home, on my way to anywhere. 

i envied her. she had access to you, access that i could never have. i hated  how she hurt you because it was something i could never do to you... i would never do what she did to you.  i hated her and hated myself for not being enough. i hated myself for being too much and not enough at the same time.  declarations of love can only take you so far, and could only take you somewhere if the person you love reciprocates. i knew you never could, and i knew you'd feel bad that you wouldn't be able to. i would have ruined everything. i understand it now, and i'm glad i do. too bad it took me so long to realize this. 

little utterances and words mean so much - when said by the right person. you were that person for me. you were able to take me out of the dark places, especially last year when everything was difficult - i cried and felt bad, and i felt so alone. thank you. i loved you, you would never know that.. or maybe you knew (you're not stupid) but you just wanted to spare me the heartache. i loved you, but i don't think i feel that way for you anymore... to be honest i'm relieved. there's no more bad poetry or prose. no more crying.. you'll never know how much you meant to me, and how much you still matter. i think of you, and i think of all the good things in the world that remind me of you, or things that are somehow linked to you. i think of sunshine, smiles, auburn hair, blue eyes.. mix cds, different coloured letters, the feeling of eternity and all encompassing love, the word darling, L-O-V-E-R, rory calhoun. i missed you so much, and i still do. all the longing and heartache has been taken away. i'm so much happier now. 

i once wrote that "i want to be able to see you and shake your hand in friendship" on a list of things i needed to do. i scribbled it in my journal a while ago. i think i can safely say that i can do it now. i'm ready.. are you?

a jar of fireflies

i'm in a different place than i was a couple of months ago. i'm so happy. i have great friends and life is okay in different aspects. i'm happy i also found someone that complements my eccentricities, my boyfriend is all sorts of awesome (haha for now). i've been far too busy living my life instead of blogging.. which is a good thing i think.

see you in a couple of months. 

i'm being spontaneous, cause, i'm spontaneous.... ?

i'm trying to do spontaneous things this year, who knows where they will take me? i hope somewhere nice. that'd be great. please and thank you. i've tried little leaps here and there with this new thing called spontaneity. so far it's filled me with regrets... but i'll still try just to say i've done it. i'm fearful of the repercussions. but i'll still try. another leap into something interesting. i hope it doesn't come back to haunt me later.

i hope this is not a painful year for me or anyone i care about. 

fake proms for the neurotic

stacey's going to the fake prom tonight. as much as i wanted to go, i'm stuck here at home. i hope she has fun tonight. i promise to myself that i'm going to be more adventurous and spontaneous. when the next fake prom rolls around next summer, i will be there with dress and bells on. 

i just want for once to go into unknown places without a feeling of deep hesitation and possible regret. i want to dive in without thinking to see what happens. but the neurotic in me will think that should i do that..... i would most likely get hurt physically or emotionally. it's this weird defense mechanism i've developed over the years. i should just get over it but i can't seem to do it. 

i'm going to my first summer house party in ages tomorrow with alex and stacey. let's hope for the best. i will see some savory and unsavory characters tomorrow. let's just hope that my neurotic tendencies die down for a little bit.

allan called me the other day and his voice message made me smile. so i guess i'm calling him tonight. :)

forget me nots

this summer has been all about transitions. more and more i see who my true friends are, i'm quite proud of my ability to cut corroding ties before it's too late. i am quite satisfied with my life right now. i say it over and over again and i smile. it's not one of those "oh i'm happy deals, i'll say it over and over again until maybe i start to delude myself". no, i am content. genuinely happy, for the first time in ages. 

however, seeing summer romances bloom within my circle of friends makes me happy and a little bit sad. i told someone that i am not looking for anyone, nor am i interested in anyone.. but seeing some of my friends' lasting relationships makes me long for something similar. i feel like i'm in this eternal race of catch up, catching up with my friends for relationships, academic success and other such matters. i know i shouldn't be racing, number one i'm asthmatic and number two.. well, let's just say i never win. a part of me is indifferent and a part of me is screeching and stomping around in an attempt to motivate myself to hurry the fuck up. this child in me wants to have what others have, or perhaps something even better. it's the eternal child in me that wants instant equality, gratification.. whether or not i deserve it. 

i'm the first to admit that in the wee hours of the morning, a part of me is so self involved (well, more so than usual) and lonely. 

my running shoes are on and everyone has years of head starts ahead of me. the race is happening in front of me, and i decide to sit this one out. there's no hope. or maybe this is just sufjan talking.

maybe some happy news are in order. my friend justin is recognized for his beautiful photos! i love my friend i wish him all the best!

nothing important.

so i got hired by the dean's office in the physical education department. i'm pretty happy. i can be useful, get some work experience and work with one of my best friends. everyone in the office seems really nice so i'm pretty excited about that. 

i'm sleepy and there's nothing really much to write. i'm having a couple of friends over tomorrow and that should be fun. movies, food and lots of homemade cake. i'm a terribly happy girl. the only thing i'm not looking forward to is waking up early but we've all got our crosses to bear. 

i sent christopher a postcard. it expresses my insecurities about my friendship with him. i didn't mention the little issue of my love for him. that's for another time and place, or should not even be mentioned at all. i hope to get an answer from him, an email.. a letter.. anything. i miss him and i've been thinking about him a lot. a whole lot. every day.