i'm being spontaneous, cause, i'm spontaneous.... ?

i'm trying to do spontaneous things this year, who knows where they will take me? i hope somewhere nice. that'd be great. please and thank you. i've tried little leaps here and there with this new thing called spontaneity. so far it's filled me with regrets... but i'll still try just to say i've done it. i'm fearful of the repercussions. but i'll still try. another leap into something interesting. i hope it doesn't come back to haunt me later.

i hope this is not a painful year for me or anyone i care about. 

fake proms for the neurotic

stacey's going to the fake prom tonight. as much as i wanted to go, i'm stuck here at home. i hope she has fun tonight. i promise to myself that i'm going to be more adventurous and spontaneous. when the next fake prom rolls around next summer, i will be there with dress and bells on. 

i just want for once to go into unknown places without a feeling of deep hesitation and possible regret. i want to dive in without thinking to see what happens. but the neurotic in me will think that should i do that..... i would most likely get hurt physically or emotionally. it's this weird defense mechanism i've developed over the years. i should just get over it but i can't seem to do it. 

i'm going to my first summer house party in ages tomorrow with alex and stacey. let's hope for the best. i will see some savory and unsavory characters tomorrow. let's just hope that my neurotic tendencies die down for a little bit.

allan called me the other day and his voice message made me smile. so i guess i'm calling him tonight. :)

forget me nots

this summer has been all about transitions. more and more i see who my true friends are, i'm quite proud of my ability to cut corroding ties before it's too late. i am quite satisfied with my life right now. i say it over and over again and i smile. it's not one of those "oh i'm happy deals, i'll say it over and over again until maybe i start to delude myself". no, i am content. genuinely happy, for the first time in ages. 

however, seeing summer romances bloom within my circle of friends makes me happy and a little bit sad. i told someone that i am not looking for anyone, nor am i interested in anyone.. but seeing some of my friends' lasting relationships makes me long for something similar. i feel like i'm in this eternal race of catch up, catching up with my friends for relationships, academic success and other such matters. i know i shouldn't be racing, number one i'm asthmatic and number two.. well, let's just say i never win. a part of me is indifferent and a part of me is screeching and stomping around in an attempt to motivate myself to hurry the fuck up. this child in me wants to have what others have, or perhaps something even better. it's the eternal child in me that wants instant equality, gratification.. whether or not i deserve it. 

i'm the first to admit that in the wee hours of the morning, a part of me is so self involved (well, more so than usual) and lonely. 

my running shoes are on and everyone has years of head starts ahead of me. the race is happening in front of me, and i decide to sit this one out. there's no hope. or maybe this is just sufjan talking.

maybe some happy news are in order. my friend justin is recognized for his beautiful photos! i love my friend i wish him all the best!

nothing important.

so i got hired by the dean's office in the physical education department. i'm pretty happy. i can be useful, get some work experience and work with one of my best friends. everyone in the office seems really nice so i'm pretty excited about that. 

i'm sleepy and there's nothing really much to write. i'm having a couple of friends over tomorrow and that should be fun. movies, food and lots of homemade cake. i'm a terribly happy girl. the only thing i'm not looking forward to is waking up early but we've all got our crosses to bear. 

i sent christopher a postcard. it expresses my insecurities about my friendship with him. i didn't mention the little issue of my love for him. that's for another time and place, or should not even be mentioned at all. i hope to get an answer from him, an email.. a letter.. anything. i miss him and i've been thinking about him a lot. a whole lot. every day.

a bowl of cherries.. err.. strawberries?

another job interview tomorrow. i hope lady luck is on my side. i'd like to be hired somewhere.. please, MAKE ME USEFUL TO SOCIETY WORLD!

i haven't been so satisfied with life as i am right now. things are finally good and i feel as though the tide has turned and washed away all the crap and ridiculous situations from my life. the only thing lacking, however is the love life. which i'm not really complaining about, i'm still hesitant to take a leap of faith after things that have gone on the past couple of years, particularly my realization of my feelings for chris. 

i am eating strawberries and looking out my window. i am smiling and my toenails are painted black. things are okay. i hope things will stay this way.

barf

i just had a job interview today with AMC theatres. i do this to myself all the time. i convince myself a job is good for me, i am happy with a decision and then i want to back out when i'm close to getting a job or a responsibility. i don't know why it happens. i guess it's my own form of self sabotage or a deep rooted fear of something i don't have a handle on. 

i want a job. i want to make money. am i sure that AMC is the right place for me? no. but it could be, but i'll never know unlesss i try it. right? right. to be honest, i'm just scared. and i don't like the fact that things in my life will now be scheduled should i get the job. there's this secret hope that i won't get in just so i can have my schedule-less life. i don't know. maybe i'm not as grown up as i think i am.

i'm so scared and just so unsure of myself right now. 

i think a nice guy from my middle school asked me out a couple of days ago. he's a very nice guy, and he's cute and respectful and smart.. again i don't like him. i don't know what it is that's holding me back to just jump into something with someone that may be good for me. 

morning comes.

a sleepy caramel dog curls up at my feet and yawns.

the sun rises, its rays splattering on bushes and tree branches.

dewy grass

there is a faint scent of lilac in the air as i stretch 

knotted hair.

freshly brewed coffee.

orange juice and toothpaste.

good morning.