barf

i just had a job interview today with AMC theatres. i do this to myself all the time. i convince myself a job is good for me, i am happy with a decision and then i want to back out when i'm close to getting a job or a responsibility. i don't know why it happens. i guess it's my own form of self sabotage or a deep rooted fear of something i don't have a handle on. 

i want a job. i want to make money. am i sure that AMC is the right place for me? no. but it could be, but i'll never know unlesss i try it. right? right. to be honest, i'm just scared. and i don't like the fact that things in my life will now be scheduled should i get the job. there's this secret hope that i won't get in just so i can have my schedule-less life. i don't know. maybe i'm not as grown up as i think i am.

i'm so scared and just so unsure of myself right now. 

i think a nice guy from my middle school asked me out a couple of days ago. he's a very nice guy, and he's cute and respectful and smart.. again i don't like him. i don't know what it is that's holding me back to just jump into something with someone that may be good for me. 

morning comes.

a sleepy caramel dog curls up at my feet and yawns.

the sun rises, its rays splattering on bushes and tree branches.

dewy grass

there is a faint scent of lilac in the air as i stretch 

knotted hair.

freshly brewed coffee.

orange juice and toothpaste.

good morning.

trois libras

i threw you the obvious 

and you flew with it on your back

you don't

you don't 

see me

you don't

see me at all.

make it hurt

i had another dream about you. in my dream you completely turned me down in a most cruel fashion. yet still wanted to be friends with me. you showered me with affection and quickly took it away. i wept so hard in my dream that i woke up crying. i don't like the fact that you can resort me to tears physically and in dreamland. 

i miss you. 

please talk to me and tell me about your day.

i love you.

i thought about you

this morning i had a dream about you. i dreamt that the package you promised me came in the mail. in the black box was glitter, photographs of you, and my picture from grade nine. there was a copious amount of mix cds all created by you. i looked at the package and clung it tight to my chest. and i smiled and i thought that things were back to normal again between us.

the package symbolized the end of the silences. the package represented the idea that there will be no more long stretches of time between correspondence. the package symbolized the hope that maybe you would love me.

i woke up expecting the package to be at my feet.
i woke up with the realization that it was only dream.
my smile left my face.

palabras bajas

i was so close to sending him this today. so fucking close. but i can't do it. logic got in the way. i hate reality.

done school for now

i'm happily typing away. i am watching tv without a looming deadline over my head. i'm going to watch a movie, and i'm going to bake an egg tart. 

i'm thrilled the stress is gone. 

one of the things i truly hate about summer is the fact that i can be left alone with the thoughts i don't want to think about. confronting my demons this summer will be quite interesting.

i forsee a lot of crying. 

also some girl killed herself over mcr. now i understand killing yourself over kurt cobain, but my chemical romance? seriously? seriously...? now i know that teens are getting more and more ridiculous every year. goddamn it i hate youth. i never thought i'd say that. but i guess i did. teenagers are so self indulgent. i can't believe i possibly acted like that. but sometimes i smile and i realize how lucky i was. i had a ton of friends, a good spot at the lunch table, school was easy, and the parties were crazy. but my god.... MCR?