you made me smile once. i didn't want to be happy about it, but my heart does funny things sometimes. my heart skipped a beat and dropped to my stomach, there were butterflies and all these wonderful feelings that i couldn't contain. i didn't want to admit it to myself at that time, sometimes i deny it. but there are some times that i wished that.. things would have been different between us.
you once said that you thought of me at a concert. you wished i was with you when that one band played that one song at that one concert. that one song is one of the most important songs in my life. the fact that you thought of me when they played it made me grin and smile so much. it made me love you more. that song is playing now.. i can't help but think of you. i foolishly revisited some of the stuff we talked about that one night.. you remember it as well as i do. that one night when we were nothing but infinite. conversations that lasted forever, about everything and anything. i felt that all the music in the world was for us to share and enjoy together. all the love songs that i heard were dedicated to you. when it was that time, when i thought of you on the bus, on the subway.. on my way home, on my way to anywhere.
i envied her. she had access to you, access that i could never have. i hated how she hurt you because it was something i could never do to you... i would never do what she did to you. i hated her and hated myself for not being enough. i hated myself for being too much and not enough at the same time. declarations of love can only take you so far, and could only take you somewhere if the person you love reciprocates. i knew you never could, and i knew you'd feel bad that you wouldn't be able to. i would have ruined everything. i understand it now, and i'm glad i do. too bad it took me so long to realize this.
little utterances and words mean so much - when said by the right person. you were that person for me. you were able to take me out of the dark places, especially last year when everything was difficult - i cried and felt bad, and i felt so alone. thank you. i loved you, you would never know that.. or maybe you knew (you're not stupid) but you just wanted to spare me the heartache. i loved you, but i don't think i feel that way for you anymore... to be honest i'm relieved. there's no more bad poetry or prose. no more crying.. you'll never know how much you meant to me, and how much you still matter. i think of you, and i think of all the good things in the world that remind me of you, or things that are somehow linked to you. i think of sunshine, smiles, auburn hair, blue eyes.. mix cds, different coloured letters, the feeling of eternity and all encompassing love, the word darling, L-O-V-E-R, rory calhoun. i missed you so much, and i still do. all the longing and heartache has been taken away. i'm so much happier now.
i once wrote that "i want to be able to see you and shake your hand in friendship" on a list of things i needed to do. i scribbled it in my journal a while ago. i think i can safely say that i can do it now. i'm ready.. are you?
